You Might Be a Swinger If…..Part 1!
March 15, 2012
Here’s a list of things that might tip off if you are a swinger or not. If half of them make no sense to you–you’re probably a newbie or wannabe.
If you laugh at nearly every single one–you probably are a certified swinger!
1. A hot tub is considered a necessity not a luxury.
2. After 25 years, people still ask if you’re newlyweds.
3. After you get too tired, your wife finishes off your girlfriend with a vibrator.
4. All of your bras are one size too small (and you like ‘em that way!)
5. All the men bring their wives to your bachelor party.
6. All your links on your computer have something to do with sex toys, slutwear, Utah Uncensored, or places to go on vacation to explore your wild side.
7. At work when someone tells a bawdy sex story your colleagues are shocked, but you scoffingly think “Vanillas! I did that with three others on a raised rotating bed while 20 people watched!
8. At your vanilla parties no one can go into the basement because you’re afraid someone will notice the Liberator furniture, the spider-chair and the sex-swing.
9. At your vanilla parties, no one is allowed to use the master bathroom because you’re afraid someone will notice the sex swing bolted to the ceiling along the way.
10. Before introducing friends to visiting family you have to pull them aside and say, “OK, here’s how we know each other. “
11. Before traveling somewhere on business or to visit relatives you check Utah Uncensored if there will be couples in the area.
12. Coming home from dinner and drinks with friends and the paperboy has already delivered the Sunday edition.
13. Employees fight to process your order at the One Hour Photo.
14. Every liquor bottle in your cabinet has a sticker or the same 6-digit number marked onto it.
15. Family or friends ask “So why are you going there for the weekend? That seems like an odd place for a vacation.“
16. Friends hold your underwear hostage that you left behind from a previous party as an excuse to fuck you.
17. Going to vanilla bar ranks right up there with attending a timeshare presentation.
18. Half of the numbers on your cellphone are listed only by profile/screen names; e.g. Fresh-N-Easy, Good4U, IndyHotties.
19. If you check in to one room at a hotel and there are six adults at the counter.
20. If you check into a hotel room at 7PM and leave with others at 2AM.
21. If you tell your spouse about a sex fantasy, they immediately try to find a way to make it come true.
22. If you turn red and sputter when both your swinger friends and vanilla friends are at the house and the vanillas ask, “How do you know each other?”
23. If you’ve ever called out “Next!” when you’re done with sex.
24. If you’ve ever emptied the waste basket in your bathroom the next morning after a party and there were over two dozen specialty condoms in it.
25. If you’ve ever fallen asleep while a dozen people are having wild sex all around you.
26. If you’ve played a scavenger hunt that involved collecting condoms or dildos or taking pictures of someone in a sex act in public.
27. If your candy bowl in the living room has condoms in it.
28. If your wife sends you a blonde and a red-head to you for your birthday.
29. In shower at the gym you’re the only one with shaved balls.
30. In the middle of sex with your spouse, you ask someone else to take over for a minute while you go to the bathroom.
31. It’s an unwritten law that you can’t call any of your friends on Saturday or Sunday until at least 1 p.m. so you don’t wake them up.
32. Making it an early night means getting home before 3 a.m.
33. Male friends are talking about some hot woman they met or saw, and you’re trying to remember if you had sex with her at a party last summer.
34. Most of your vacation photos were taken inside a hotel room.
35. No one has ever worn a bathing suit in your hot tub.
36. On Christmas, there are certain presents that can’t be opened in front of your family.
37. On Monday morning you’re glad to go back to work so you can get some rest.
38. On vacation you set aside time to stage a bunch of acceptable photos to show to your family.
39. Smiling to yourself when office co-workers tell you how great their weekend was.
40. Someone asks where you’re staying when you go to Jamaica and you vaguely say, “Negril” then “Seven Mile Beach” or, if pressed further, then “Runaway Bay” then “Superclubs” then finally you just lie and say “Breezes!”
41. The babysitter wonders why you are always already wearing your full-length coat inside when she arrives.
42. The first thing you do checking into a hotel is to ask for a lot of extra towels.
43. The last thing you typically do at a party is ask if anyone has seen your thong.
44. The movie “Swingers” was a huge disappointment to you.
45. The only time you go out with your vanilla friends is when you’re having your period.
46. The staff of Hedonism II sends you birthday cards.
47. The word vanilla isn’t just a flavor to you anymore.
48. Vanilla friends think you’re a prude because you won’t go to a strip club, but the truth is that you just think it’s a boring waste of time.
49. When birthday surprise parties take on a whole new meaning.
50. When going to a strip club with your guy friends sounds boring and a waste in comparison to going with your wife.
